Hi. Let me introduce myself a little. I won’t be telling you my life story. Just a brief background as to why I have started this blog and what this blog is intended to be.
I’m a 34-year-old single male. I have been battling with very negative emotions and thought patterns of late which have resulted in bouts of depression and thoughts of suicide. I even went as far as researching peaceful methods of suicide recently and pondered what effect this would have on my family, friends, and the people around me. I concluded that I have no right to inflict such an experience on everyone, and so I am left with the choice to just continue on in pain (and live a pretty horrid existence) or to ‘fight back’ as I like to call it. I have begun to visualize my depression as a battle inside of me. It has come and gone in bouts over the years and honestly, it’s getting stronger each time. I picture this now as hoards of enemy soldiers, like Orcs from the Lord of the Rings. Ugly, horrid creatures gathering their forces, getting stronger and stronger with each assault, with the sole intent of destroying me. I’ve never put together a meaningful defense. In fact, I was easily bowled over on every occasion and every time I felt depressed, I let it take control of me. Who knows how many times this has changed the direction of my life for the worse. I could go on forever about the countless rotten decisions I made in my life. Mostly concerning being unsocial, miserable, feeling self-pity, isolating myself, substance abuse, among other self-destructing behaviors. At 34, I’m really feeling and witnessing, the result of all the thoughts and stupid depression I’ve had over the years. I’ve backed myself into a corner, a lonely one. It’s me who I need to conquer. So, let the battle commence.
I will be documenting my approach through blog posts now and then, sharing my experiences and exploring certain methods which have caught my attention. A couple of things I am interested in at the moment are meditation and Stoicism. I plan to do a 10-day vipassana meditation retreat soon. I’ll write about this in another post soon but, put simply, I believe vipassana meditation can dig deep into the subconscious mind and ‘reset’ how we perceive emotions and sensations basically. As for Stoicism, I’ve only just started to read into this at the moment. It’s an ancient practical philosophy, a way life, centered on managing your thoughts and feelings about all the things that happen to you in life and creating happiness from within – relying on oneself only. This is a very attractive concept for me. I’ve already started one method from Stoicism which is to write a diary before I sleep each night, recounting what I did right and wrong for that day. It’s been very refreshing so far and most of my ‘wrongs’ are made up of negative thought patterns at the moment – telling myself I’m not good enough etc. The idea is to expose these bad habits, bring them into the light each day, which increases your awareness of them and ultimately leads you to resolve them – hopefully.
I hope you can join me on this journey. I hope that I can give you some inspiration and ideas to battle your own demons. I hope that you are well. I hope that you are happy.